Guardians of the Galaxy is about a self-serving group of galactic miscreants who are all motivated in one way or another to possess an orb of great value for their own benefit. However along the way they must learn to trust each other and eventually come together to fight the bigger threat that is Ronan (Lee Pace) someone who wants to wipe out Xandar because... I don't know, destruction and explosions. Ronan only had a handful lines to explain his backstory and his motivations, but all I knew was that he wanted to blow some shit up because that's what villains do, right? They blow shit up. As far as villains go Ronan was about as fleshed out and as developed as Malekith was in The Dark World. In other words, not at all.
Peter Quill (Chris Pratt) was a young boy when he was abducted by aliens back in 1988, and finds himself growing up in space to become some sort of rogue ravager working for a group of space pirates that's led by Yondu Udonta (Michael Rooker), but Peter Quill is looking to work independently from now on. Meanwhile Ronan sends Gamora (Zoe Saldana) to recover the artifact that Peter Quill found, and while they're in a playful scuffle with each other, a couple of opportunistic bounty hunters seize the opportunity to take them both down for profit, meet little Rocket (Bradley Cooper), and Groot (Vin Diesel).
While they're all fighting, the Nova Corps, who come across as more like mall cops than they do an inter-galactic police force, arrest them and send them to prison. While in prison Drax (Dave Bautista) wants to kill Gamora because of her association to Thanos. After they nonchalantly escape from prison and Ronan and Gamora's adopted sister Nebula (Karen Gillan). Drax idiotically calls down Ronan's entire force for a fistfight, they lose the orb which will grant Ronan near unlimited power, the power to destroy worlds, and his first stop is Xandar. Ronan clearly has a beef with Xandar, but it's never clearly explained why he would go to such great lengths to destroy it. Betraying Thanos while he's at it. The baddest dude in the galaxy.
Nevertheless, the seemingly unstoppable Ronan invades Xandar with the sole intention of the total extinction of their planet, and no less, but their flagship is brought down by one single aircraft, making the Nova Corps look ridiculously useless and incompetent, yet again. The Nova Corps are total badasses in the comics, but in Guardians of the Galaxy they're merely fools who get in the way more often than not.
The Nova Corps don't have powers, the Worldmind is just another homogeneous backdrop to the shiny, but bland Xandar, and it serves no real purpose. The Elder is an Elder of the Universe who's capable of going toe to toe with Thanos, yet he gets his shop blown up like an idiot and is almost killed in the explosion. Drax isn't a human that's remade to kill Thanos, and James Gunn saw fit to turn him into a borderline retard. Ronan's staff isn't a Universal Weapon, and so on and so on. As an adaption of Guardians of the Galaxy, this movie wipes its ass with the source material.
I'm quite honestly flabbergasted at all the praise that has been heaped on this vapid nothingness of a movie. It only exists so yet another MacGuffin can come into play which will set up the fucking long ass tease of Thanos and the Infinity Gauntlet. I'm not even sure where to begin with this one. I have a rather simple and unbiased way of judging how good a movie is, it's simple, but it works. If my eyes start glazing over and my attention starts wandering throughout the movie, then the movie is not doing its job of entertaining me. Simple, right? If my eyes are threatening to spin out of my sockets within twenty minutes of the movie due to my constant eye-rolling and groaning, suffice to say that I'm not having a good time and am not entertained.
Obviously it doesn't bode well if I feel like I have to force myself to sit through it, and my eyes were wandering within the first twenty minutes of Guardians of the Galaxy. I know that this is not an exact science, my eyes wandered in The Assassination of Jesse James too, but that was still a great movie, however this is not the case with Guardians of the Galaxy. The dialogue felt ludicrously stilted and was more often than not just exposition dump after exposition dump after exposition dump. Why would The Collector tell them about the infinity stone. Why? It makes no sense.
Characters were inconsistent and often did things that made no sense, and everything worked out so conveniently for them along the way. There should have been a "Happily Ever After" as one of the end credits. Please Marvel, please. I'm begging you. Stop with all the fake deaths. We know they're not going to die, you're beating a dead horse now. The green screen work looked remarkably fake, bad compositing, especially during their escape from Ronan and Nebula.
The jokes fell completely flat for me and the juvenile dialogue was horrendous, 'dance off brah' and 'we're the guardians of the galaxy bitch!', I couldn't wait for it to be over. The contrived 'bonds' that were developed almost literally overnight, and the overly familiar and forced messages of the importance of friends and family came right out of the Disney playbook, and yes, I would still being saying that if Disney didn't own Marvel Studios. The anachronistic pop culture references that littered the dialogue indicated a poor attention to the details in the script as well.
For a movie that features Drax the Destroyer and Gamora 'the deadliest woman in the whole galaxy', there was not one single decent action scene in the whole movie, not one. Gamora is tough, she's the closest Marvel has to a 'Wonder Woman' at the moment and what do they do with her, give her no action and reduce her to being a simple love interest and damsel in distress. Can you imagine the furor if Wonder Woman was repeatedly turned into damsel in distress? Guardians in the Galaxy is known as having a plethora of tough female characters, and we didn't see any of them, even the ones we did see didn't do shit.
I couldn't even watch the ending with a straight face it was so absurd. I'm truly astonished at how laborious and lugubrious Guardians of the Galaxy felt. Sure, it was pretty to look at every now and again, but it was a thoroughly superficial, vacuous and hollow imitation of those who came before, and did it better, and with more class. We never discover who Peter Quill's father is either, sorry kids, that's sequel bait. So start saving your pocket money now kiddies. That's the cinematic equivalent of the dangling carrot, and Marvel have refined and perfected this transparent and shameless baiting tactic to a tee.
Written by - The Sentry - 11/11/2014